When I was in my mid-twenties, I worked at a start-up where most of us were around the same age and considered ourselves friends. As you can imagine, there was a lot of emotional expression. Sometimes, that can be fun and exciting, but more often than not it’s stressful and slippery, especially for leadership. Part of being a manager is knowing which boundaries to respect and which to evaluate case-by-case, and casual, social, tight-knit offices can make those decisions particularly difficult. Can you share those confidential numbers with your pal? Will venting on Slack backfire and affect your ability to lead?
Encountering these questions early on made me realize that there’s an art to showing emotion at work. So a few years ago, my friend Mollie West Duffy and I wrote a book about navigating the emotional minefield of the modern office. Called No Hard Feelings, it offers advice for ways to be vulnerable without oversharing. We extensively researched the topic, from conducting a thorough review of the academic literature to speaking with over fifty top executives about their personal experiences.
Part of being a manager is knowing which boundaries to respect and which to evaluate case-by-case...
Still, sharing without oversharing is hard! I know because I’ve continued to struggle with it, too. In late 2020, when my father-in-law began to lose his battle with cancer, I had such a hard time with the news that I avoided bringing it up at work. In the moment, the decision made sense; I couldn’t even have a conversation about it without choking up, so there was no way I’d voluntarily raise it with my team. But looking back, I see that my approach was wrong. My team could feel that something was going on, and when a leader is silent, people assume the worst. We were already in a pandemic and there were concerns about a recession. Me acting distant and moving meetings around (to go to doctor’s appointments) was causing a lot of unnecessary anxiety.
When it became clear that I was going to need bereavement leave, I was forced to share a bit about my situation. The minute I did, I felt the tension alleviate instantly. My team was grateful to be looped in and eager to support me, and some even reached out to share that they were going through something similar. After hearing me open up about my situation, others felt safe to do the same.
My team could feel that something was going on, and when a leader is silent, people assume the worst.
How to do it:
My approach followed a handy formula that Mollie and I discovered through our book research. When revealing your emotions to your colleagues, pair openness and vulnerability with a path forward. Your explanation doesn’t have to turn into group therapy, and the office probably isn’t the place for intimate details. Instead, keep things sincere, simple, and actionable: “I wanted you to know a little about what’s going on with me, and here’s how I think it’ll affect things for the foreseeable future,” for example. For me, simply letting my team in on an overview of what I was going through was enough to get the space and support I needed.
When revealing your emotions to your colleagues, pair openness and vulnerability with a path forward.
How not to do it:
If you’re unloading so much that you’re becoming a burden to your coworkers and destabilizing your team dynamics, you’re probably oversharing. Among colleagues, this can be very draining; constantly fielding negative energy takes an emotional toll. For leaders, oversharing can actually backfire and destroy the trust you’ve worked so hard to foster. Let me explain.
If a huge reorg was just announced, there are a few ways you can approach the conversation with your team. On one extreme, you can brush it off and say, “Hey, you all heard about the reorg, let's move to the next agenda item.” Although your intentions might be to ease concerns and fend off questions until you know more details, the truth is that you end up sounding like a robot. Your employees don’t understand what’s going on and they’ll have a hard time trusting you to keep them informed. On the other hand, you don’t want to say that you’re overwhelmed and stressed about the future, even if that’s how you’re feeling. Your team wants clarity and to believe that you can lead them through this.
The right balance is somewhere in the middle: “Hey, this is really hard. I'm feeling it, too. If you have questions, please know that I don't know that I'll have all the answers right now, but I'm going to do my best to find them. For now, here's what I plan to do for our team over the next month as we make this transition, and here's what I need from you.”
Your team wants clarity and to believe that you can lead them through this.
Why you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself:
Nobody is perfect and life can be intense; tragic things happen, business can be chaotic, watching the news can be depressing. You may very well have a moment where you do start crying uncontrollably. If that happens, know that it’s human and not the end of the world. The important thing is to come back the next day and explain. Trust that your team is emotionally intelligent and wants to be helpful: “I’m sure you all gathered that something's going on. I spent the last day thinking about what I wanted to share and here’s where I landed...”
By being just a little more emotionally expressive, you’ll preserve stability, reduce anxiety among your coworkers, and build a professional support system that gives you the tools you need to get through it.
Trust that your team is emotionally intelligent and wants to be helpful...
About Liz Fosslien:
Liz is the co-author and illustrator of the national best-seller Big Feelings and the Wall Street Journal best-seller No Hard Feelings and an expert on how to make work better. As the head of content and communications at Humu, Liz helps leaders develop and manage high-performing, inclusive teams.